Faint
by ssjmvegita
Summary: Inspired by one flew over the cuckoos nest, this is a story that features a boy and a girl who live in a world of torture and death. Their world is dark and scary, and there's no way out...yet.
1. chapter 1

I remember it was cold. It was always cold, and it always snowed. It was an endless stream of cold and snow. But it wasn't a natural cold, and it wasn't natural snow. It was fixed. Fixed to the requirements of our own little world. But, for some reason, the snow and the cold never stopped. It was never warm. I'd continually wonder why it was necessary for us to be so cold. Why was it necessary for us to have to treed through that snow every day? But it wasn't my place to tell the Masters what we needed. That would just bring trouble.  
I also remember the sky. It was never blue. It always seemed to be white. It was just pale and ordinary. There were no funny shaped clouds up there, just white. There was never any Sun to be seen, just white. Everything was just so cold, including the Masters. The Masters were so cold to us. I remember trying to plan our escape, but the Masters and their closest followers thwarted that. Nothing ever worked against them, so we did what they said.  
I can remember seeing my friends disappear behind the closed doors of the Masters quarters. But I can't remember ever seeing those friends come back. That world was terrible. But that world also gave us protection. No matter how much you didn't want to admit it, that world was needed. Without it, we wouldn't have anything. No matter how bad the Masters got, we knew it was all we had. We never got a chance to experience life anywhere else, so we took what we had. The rest of the world was fog to us. It was a fog that no one dared enter, and no one from the fog entered our world.  
But then, just like that, someone entered our world. She was from the foggy world, the world without Masters. When she arrived, the cold seemed to lift. And then, after awhile, the snow vanished. And before I knew it, we could see clouds, and a blue sky. She was like a beam of light from Heaven, come to liberate us from the place we hated, yet loved. When she arrived, everyone was scared of her. She was so different then us, so we hid. But then we realized that she was a savior. She was our savior. I can remember the Masters expressions when she arrived. That cold in their hearts turned to something I can't describe. Perhaps the closest thing to what I saw would be envy. But I could tell from their expressions that they were also scared. They weren't scared like us, no; they were scared of her power. She was of the fog world, and they feared she'd take over.  
It was good to see the Masters scared for once, but I also feared for the new girls life. The Masters were known to take care of ones who dared to threaten their power. However, I could see that the new girl was too strong for their torture. If put through it, she would hardly notice. She seemed so strong. She seemed stronger then all the boys, something I'd never seen in a girl. But to call her a girl would be foolish. She was a woman. She was more of a woman then any of the boys were men. She was certainly stronger then me.  
On the morning she arrived, I was hiding under my bed. I watched the running feet of the Masters disciples as they looked for me. It was a morning like any other. Cold, snowy, and the sky was milk white. I didn't even have to look outside to know that, I could feel it inside me. Or maybe that was my fear. It was the kind of fear a mother gets when she loses her child. The kind of fear a man gets when he kills another man. It was that same fear that I felt. I knew they were looking for me, wanting to take me to the Masters. I hadn't even broken any of the rules. This was their game. They scared us, just for their own pleasure. They were animals, but we weren't man enough to stand up against them. I didn't understand what I had done to deserve this horror. When you're hiding under a bed, fourteen years old, and crying so hard that you don't even make a noise, you come to realize that you're not human. They mold you into what they want you to be. I can't seem to understand why they do it to us. When they find me, I'm tortured, and returned to the mess hall. That's standard procedure. No one seems to notice my screams while they work on me, but after a while, those constant screams don't seem to exist. They say that the torture they do on us is therapeutic, but we know its sole purpose is to make us fear them. I always find it odd that time is either always still, and moving to slow to notice. They bend the days for us, to make us seem like were getting closer to our release, but by days end you notice that you still have years to go just to get through the night. They tell me that I've been here for six years, but in my mind, only a day has passed. I wonder if the new girl notices the way time works here. If so, it doesn't seem to concern her. I wonder why she's so strong, and why she doesn't coward up like the rest of us.  
That first day she's here, she breaks all sorts of rules. For starters, she comes in laughing. That's the first laughing I've heard in six years. Next, she's yelling and running all over the place. First time someone has ever dared act like that.  
Later she goes around and meets everyone. She's friendly and spunky, and her name is Sarah, fourteen years old.  
  
When I was first brought here, I was eight years old. I remember seeing the Masters smiling faces as they welcomed me. They seemed so nice, but when my parents left, that courtesy turned to something else. From that day forward, I experienced just what people called the devil, or as they call themselves, the Undertakers. Our world was an old, isolated prison. It had been used in the Civil War for criminals convicted of War Crimes, and then later turned into a basic prison. They told us one time that the prison was closed in the early nineteen thirties because the criminals went on a rampage and tortured all the guards. But one guard was able to lock the criminals in a secluded room, and burn them. After that, the government decided to close the prison down. But then, about fifteen years later, the original Master decided to resurrect the prison up and turn it into what he called; A Correctional Institute for Troubled Children, or a CITC Center.  
The center built itself from there as the foremost Juvenal Hall in the state of Vermont, outside the city of Burlington near Lake Champlain. Parents brought their mischief stricken kids to the center for correction, and the Masters decide just how long the child would stay. In my case, I was sentenced for ten years, because of my habit to have quite a temper, which usually led to violence. When I got to the Center, the original Master had just retired (this was around 1979), and his children, the current Head Masters, took over. His son, Master Paul, is only twenty-five, but he's in charge of everything. His sister, Master Florence, is second in command and the head discipliner. They have at least twenty minions who look over the one hundred and forty inmates. I've been here the third longest of anyone, but I'm nowhere near the oldest. The oldest, and one who's been here the longest, is our sort of leader. Jake Pierce is eighteen years old and has been here for twelve years, scheduled to be released in one year. Everyone looks up to him, and his buddy Peter Moore (who's been here second longest), like he's in charge. Even though I've been here for such a long time, no one respects me. I normally keep to myself and I don't talk to many people. I guess that's just how I am, shy and scared of everything. I never like the cold, and I never got used to the snow, but I can bear it. We get freedom here, but not much of it. Relationships between girls and boys are prohibited, but friendships are encouraged. My district consists of ten boys, and twelve girls with ages ranging from seven to eighteen years old. Jake and Peter are on my district.  
Then, on that cold Monday, Sarah comes to my district. I can tell right away that Jake and Peter both have got their eyes on her. She's only fourteen, yet they're fixated on her. I must admit myself; she's the first real pretty girl I've seen in a long time. Her brunette hair is cut short and hangs around the sides and back of head like a bowl. She's wearing a long sleeve Star Wars shirt, and a pair of tight blue jeans. She's tall too, taller then any girl I know, but she isn't too tall. She's just right. All the other guys are staring at her just like me, and I can tell they're very happy to know she's going to be on our district.  
One of the good things about our district is that it's one of the few mixed districts in the center. Boys and girls converse freely, but relationships between them are still not allowed. That's punishable by a transfer of both parties involved to different districts. Even Jake and Peter don't try anything with any of the girls. That's just how much the Masters have scared us.  
We don't get visitors. The Masters believe that visitors are disruptive to the therapeutic environment. I know they don't allow this because they don't want a lawsuit for the way they treat us. It always seems that the kids who make it through their sentence always tend to end up going into a real prison. By the time you get out of here, you're still scared of the Masters. This fear causes all who get out to either commit suicide, or commit a crime. That's the Masters power.  
But the new girl is different then us. She doesn't seem to fear anyone, not even the Masters. I wonder how she does it. She seems so confident that no one can touch her, but in my mind I know that in a week, she'll be scared out of her wits. 


	2. chapter 2

A thought came to my head at that moment, " What if she's not what she seems?"  
  
I wonder if maybe, despite her kindness, she's from the Masters. Perhaps she's one of their tools. I've seen it before. They implant people into our world, and have them spy on us. They win our trust and confidence over the months, and then they go to work. They find out what they need to know, and then they get their spy out of there. When you find out that the person you trusted so much was just acting, it kills you. You always come out of the situation even more scared of the Masters and their power. But looking at Sarah in front of me, I sure hope she isn't working for them. She's the first real girl I've seen in a long time. She's got something about her that I can't describe. It's something more then looks and personality; it's something deeper. It's that certain attribute that only few have. It's funny if you think about it. The Masters work so hard to tear us down so they can control us, but then someone comes in who has that attribute, and it seems like she breaks it apart like bread and hands a slice to each of us. Just looking at her lifts the fear I had. Listening to her smooth voice talk makes me want to stand up, and lay a fat punch on one of those guards standing near the door. Call me crazy, but I think Ms. Sarah is an angel in disguise.  
  
As the hours of that Monday go on, Sarah sits across the room, sleeping in her wooden chair. I can't help but notice that even in her sleep she looks angelic. I see Jake and Peter catching glances at her and whispering to each other about something. I guess Jake can't take just looking any more, so he gets up, slicks back his already slick hair, and walks up towards her. Jake is a mammoth of a man, standing two times my height, and weighing nothing but pure muscle. He stands in front of her and taps her shoulder. She opens one eye, and squints it in his direction. He smiles big.  
" I couldn't help but notice that you were sitting all alone over here." He's trying to act smooth, but he isn't much of a talker.  
Now Sarah's got both of those big eyes open, and she's staring at Jake. " I couldn't help but notice that you just woke me up from a very well deserved sleep," She grins a bit and goes on, " so if you'd please go over to you're boyfriend and leave me alone, I'd be pretty darn happy." Jake's just standing there, gawking at this girl's attitude. He's got to be five years older then her, and at least twice her size. Peter's just lying back on his chair, laughing at the fact that big bad Jake just got put down by a little girl. Jake sees this, and starts to get mad. " Aw come on little girl, I'm just tryin' to be friendly. Lighten up." A bit of that smile on Sarah's face disappears, and she leans closer to Jake. I see she's holding something shiny in her pocket, a ring I guess. " Lighten up? Do you know what you're sayin'? You expect me to lighten up when I know I'm gonna be stuck in this joint for the next five years, havin to stare at you're ugly face all day? You want me to lighten up? You want me to sit next to you, just so you can tell all you're friends you sat near a girl? You think I'm just gonna look at you're manly body, and fall head over heals for you without realizing you don't got a brain? Lighten up he says, HA! I'm not a girl to be toyed around with like all these other jaspers 'round here. Looking at you, I'd think you were an eighteen-year- old man, yet you hit on a defenseless fourteen-year-old girl. People like you make me sick." By now, everyone in the room is staring at her, wondering how she can be talking to Jake that way. Sarah doesn't even back down. She's got her chin up high and there's a little vein showing on her forehead. Jake's still staring at her in disbelief, and now even Peter is in aw of her confidence. I think about how she's got that attribute to her, that something that separates her. If what I think she has is really there, then there's no way she's of the Masters. She's just to perfect. Jake backs down, and walks off mumbling something. Sarah finally eases up, then looks at me, winks, and closes her eyes in sleep. That wink assured me of one thing. She isn't of the Masters; she's of something else. They say she's from the foggy world, but I don't think that's true. I think she's of the world where everything is clear. She's from the world that I can't describe. She's from that place that's deep in your heart, that place of serenity. I wonder if she's being friendly with me like she would anyone else, or if maybe she's seen something in me that I don't realize I have. Maybe I'm just like her in the way that we have that same attribute. If that's true I haven't seen it in me. I know she has it, and I know she knows she has it. But I doubt I have it. There's no way a kid like me could have the attribute that only few have. But that wink she gave me made me think I was different in that way. Maybe I am different. Maybe I'm just like her. Or maybe I'm just a puppet. Maybe I'm a puppet not to the Masters or to a person, but to myself. Yes, I'm just a puppet to my own desires. But the thing is, I don't know what my desires are. Do I wish to get out of this place? Do I wish for love and peace? Or do I wish for something that's so detestable, so wrong, that I hate myself for it? I start to think that maybe all my philosophizing about puppetry and about Sarah is in vain. Would she laugh if she knew that I was killing myself over this? " I like ya buddy." That's what she said to me. Those four words got me to think about the possibility of me having a friend. Friends are so elusive to me that I just decided to give up on trying to have them. People may call that misery, but I call it brilliance. What is the point of having friends if they're going to eventually just let you down. What's the point if they're just going to end up deserting you, or vice versa? The world is a scary place, whether it be a world of fog, or one of clear days. The fact is we're all puppets, like it or not. But we're puppets to ourselves, not to any other. But then there are those who shine like her. They shine not only to others, but more importantly to themselves. They shine to the point that they actually like themselves and have confidence. The possibility that I am not a puppet, but instead the one who pulls the strings, is something I've never considered before. But this girl has got me thinking without even knowing it. Maybe she's just being herself, or maybe she's trying to make me see what I really am. When I think about her looking at me, I feel warm inside, and I feel good. Is this love? Is this courage? Is this friendship? I've never felt any of those things, so I can't be sure it's any of them. But I like that feeling. Whatever she's doing, I like it, and whoever she is, I like her. 


	3. chapter 3

I look over to Sarah and see that she's gone. I turn my head from side to side taking in everything going on. I see Jake sitting in the corner hiding from Randle and smoking a cigarette. Peter is nowhere to be found. I look around and see the others working their tails off. I'm starting to get concerned that Sarah and Peter are gone. I think about her pretty face, and then see Peter's solemn face only inches from hers. I know he's been watching her, I just don't know what he's planning. I close my eyes and count backwards from ten, trying to clear the thought from my mind.  
Lunch comes a bit later, and then we clean up. When we get back to our quarters, I still can't find Sarah. I go over to my bed and wait for our free hour outside. When three thirty rolls around, Randle and the five guards on our district round us up, and we head out into the courtyard. I put on the same jacket that everyone else wears (standard issue), and head outside. The courtyard is a huge field in the back of the main building. There's nothing but dirt and rocks on the ground, no grass. I look out into the sky and see it's as gray as ever, then walk behind the big stonewall at the far end of the yard. I sit behind it so I can be alone. Everyone else plays Hackensack or something on the other end. I get to the opposite side of the wall and, to my surprise, there's Sarah, sitting with a cigarette in her mouth!  
" What are you doing?" I ask wondering how she got out of the building without a key.  
" Well that little clean-up business was just borin' me, so I decided to take a break!"  
"For four hours?"  
" What's wrong wit that?" She chuckles and pats the ground next to her, " Have a seat."  
I sit down, not taking my eyes off of her.  
" Why are you smoking? That's disgusting, not to mention illegal."  
" Cause it tastes good."  
" When did you start?"  
" A good year 'go. My pops used to do it, so I picked up where he left off when he crocked." She doesn't seem to care about her father, and I can understand that coming from a family like mine.  
" I guess you don't like your dad."  
" Nope! Thought bout killin him once, but he died before I could!" This surprised me, I never felt like killing anyone.  
" You can say that with pride? How can you live with a feeling like that?"  
" Everyone's got them kind of feelings, I'm no different then your average loony."  
" I've never wanted to kill anyone."  
" Sure ya have, you just don't know it. I'm sure you've wanted to kill one of those guards, take his keys and scram out of this place. I thought bout it, then I saw that window in the cafeteria, and decided it'd be easier if I just climbed out that. Then I saw that yawl got those big 'ol fences there," she points to the fence in front of us that goes around the whole complex, " an I decided to have a little smoke break. Want one?" She takes the cigarette out of her mouth and holds it in front of me. I cough a bit from the smoke coming off one of the ends.  
" No thanks, I don't do that kind of stuff. You shouldn't either. It's against the Masters rules and its bad for you."  
" Fine with me." She puts it back in her mouth and puffs some more. " So what's your story? Why you such a loner?" I turn to her and frown.  
" I'm not a loner, I just don't feel comfortable around people. As far as my story goes, I guess you just need to know that I've been here for six years and I'm fourteen years old. I never knew my dad because he left my mother when I was born. My mom, coincidently, turned out to be a drunk and ended up killing herself one night right in front of my sister and I. So we were sent to some foster parents after that, but I was still in shock at my mothers passing so I stayed in bed all the time. On some occasions I would get teased at school for being so quiet and I would start fights. I broke a kids nose once and sent another to the hospital. Because of that, I got sent here. Shortly after, my sister murdered our foster parents, and then killed herself." My eyes start to get heavy and I think I'm going to cry just thinking about her. I've tried to hold it in me all this time, but I guess I really can't take the pain. Whenever I think about her, I start to cry, and the guards take me away to Torture. No one can really understand the way I feel, and I don't think anyone cares. But then I look over to Sarah, and see that the cigarette has fallen to the ground and is burning out. She's staring right at me, almost with a sorrowful face. She looks like she's going to cry as well. It's odd to see her without a flashy smile or without a joking demeanor. She almost seems to have pity for me. " Wow, that's. sad. That's terrible, it's just.horrible. No wonder you're such a loner. I'm sorry." " It's o.k." She puts her hand on mind and I start to feel warm. I feel her hand and the cold seems to lift. It's almost as if her hand is a beam of light from the sun. She seems to notice what I'm feeling and she smiles and winks at me. " I'm guessing the only girl that you've ever held hands with was your sister. Well, I'll let you in on something; you're da first guy whose hand I've ever held. It feels good, right?" " Yeah." " Ya know, da first thing I noticed bout you was the way you shined. It's somethin' I can't describe, somethin' that no one can describe. Not many people have that attribute bout them, but the ones who do, are the people you can't live without. I wish I shined like you, but I don't. I can't describe how I know you shine, but I guess you could say I feel it. I know I've only known ya for about a day, but I feel like I've known you forever. When I look at you, I see so much of that goodness that's in you, but for some reason, you just never show any of that goodness. You just seem to shade yourself from everyone around ya, but I want ya to know dat you don't got to shade yourself from me. It may sound weird to ya, but I feel for you in a way I don't feel for anyone else. But I'm not sure what you would call this feeling." She's talking very quietly and I have to lean closer to her just to hear over the wind. " I don't find it odd at all, in fact, I feel the same way. I know we've only known each other for a day, but I feel the same way you do. But you're wrong in one aspect of your thinking; you do shine! You shine more than I ever could. When you came in, I noticed that nothing could faze you. That's what I like about you, and that's what I hope to see in the long run. In the meantime, I think that if we become friends, we'll survive this place and we'll pass the time quickly. So I'll ask you this: Will you be my friend, my only and best friend?" I look in her eyes and it seems like she's become sad because of what I said. She looks at our hands locked together and sighs. " Friends, huh? I guess if that's what ya had in mind." I'm guessing she wanted to take it a step further, but that's not possible. I just know that the Masters would find out, and then I'd lose her forever. That's something that can't happen. " I'll tell you what," I say with confidence, " When we get out of this place, how about we run away together? Do you think we could go somewhere away from people and live together? I'd like that." She looks back at me with a half smile. " Together? I was thinking that maybe we could be together now." I knew it! She does want to take it a step further. I guess that in a sense I want to as well, but in another sense, I don't want to. I keep thinking about what they'd do if they found out we were together. They'd separate us and I'd be alone. I don't want to be alone. I need her. I know she's going to need me as time goes by and she sees what it's like here. I don't want to kill what we have now by being separated. But it's not just that. I know that deep inside me, I'm not just scared of what the Masters will do, I guess I'm scared of failure. I'm scared of what would happen between us if we rushed into something before even thinking about it. I just don't want to lose her. " Doesn't it seem like we're rushing into things quite quickly? I hardly believe that we know enough about each other to be together this soon. Plus, if the Masters ever found out, they'd tear us apart from one another." " I'm willing to take that risk." " Are you really? Will you really be able to go on after they've found out we're together? Will you go on when you find out they're going to take me to a room especially designed for kids who disobey? Will you go on when you find out that their definition of therapy for me will be complete and utter torture? How will you feel when you hear about how they are torturing me? Will you still not care when you find out that they're putting me in blazing hot rooms for hours at a time stark naked, and then commencing to beat me with a leather strap or a belt? How will that make you feel? How do you think I'll feel when I hear that they've transferred you to solitaire for a month? And how will I feel when I hear that they're feeding you waste from the zoo animals in town, and mixing it with drugs? Are you still willing to take a risk after knowing what the penalty for breaking a rule like that is?" She's staring at me now, her hand is squeezing mine hard and I can see a vain on her knuckle. Her hand feels a bit colder and I can feel her trembling. " I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, but that's just what they do to kids who become too attached. I've seen it happen, and I don't want to see it happen to you and I." Sarah turns her head to the gate spreading around the complex. Her hair, no loosened from the ponytail, is flowing to our right. I can only see the back of her head, but that's still beautiful enough for me. We hear a whistle being blown from the main building that indicates the end of our free time outside the building. She turns back towards me and smiles.  
" I guess we should be going in now. I think we should keep this conversation on the down low if you catch my drift." She lets go of my hand and stands up, brushes the dirt from her hips, and commences to put her hair back in a ponytail.  
" I guess you're right bout how we shouldn't be together right now but just remember that I've got my eye on ya! Remember that despite how ever cold it is here, your smile warms me up. I told ya once, and I'll tell ya again, I like ya. Call it love at first sight or whatever, I don't care, I still like ya. And despite these rules we have here, they aren't going to get me away from you. I just hope you feel the same way."  
She turns around and walks around the wall back to the complex. I sit there for a minute just looking off into the distance. I put my head in- between my knees and start to cry. I really like her a lot, and I want to be with her, but I can't. I realize now just how much of a wimp I really am. I can't even take one little risk. Even though the consequences would be unbearable, wouldn't being with her be the ultimate happiness? I wonder these things as the guard finds me crying, picks me up, and takes me back inside, back to my home. He's taking me back to my prison. I don't want to go back, I just want to sit outside and cry. I want to feel the wind on my cheeks and feel that tingle the cold gives you when you don't move. I want to look to the sky and see that familiar gray that's always there. I don't want to live. Sarah was right, I have wanted to kill someone before. But this person wasn't someone I feared or someone who was mean to me. I hated this person, and for the most part I still do. This person makes me sick and makes me want to cry just realizing what he has become. I don't want to live. There's nothing for me to live for. No matter who comes along and no matter how much I like them, I can never truly love someone because it's against the rules. I don't want to live. I hate this man- no- this boy with a passion. He can't even fight for himself. I don't want to live.  
When I am back in the complex, Sarah is gone, and so is Randle. I know where she is. This was her first offense, so she's only getting a warning this time. She may have skipped her duties as an inmate today, but she doesn't care. But if she does it again, she'll be sorry. Whoever I get close with, always ends up dying. This is why I have tried to separate myself from people. If Sarah dies, I'll be all alone. I can't take another one leaving me, not after my sister. This life is so cruel to me. I just wish I were dead.  
I don't want to live. 


	4. chapter 4

The next day comes and it's colder than ever. I see Sarah get out of her bed and go to the girl's washroom. She seems to walk even slower than yesterday, almost as if the Masters have sucked out her energy. She walks to the washroom with her head down, but then I notice a little smirk on her face. Her hair isn't in a bun, so now it covers most of her face that I can see. But behind her morning hair, I see a little psychotic smirk. Her right eye catches me staring, and she slows down a bit. She turns her head towards me slowly, and winks. Then she starts to chuckle wildly, which scares me.  
As the morning progresses, we get ready for our cafeteria duties. Everyone is already dressed and Randle comes into our day room to give the daily announcements. Since most of his announcements have little value to me, I try and tune out his words. Sarah is walking around close to me. We're the two that are furthest in the back, and she keeps mumbling something I can't make out. Something about cigarettes or something.  
"So remember that we're having a very special guest at today's brunch. I want you all to be on your best behavior." Randle paces at the front of the room and constantly takes little peaks at his watch. He seems worried.  
"Who's comin?" I see Sarah has stopped, and is staring right at Randle. I can tell he's annoyed at her for talking out of line, but he flashes a smile and answers her.  
"I guess you'll just have to wait and find out little Ms. Harrison. Patience is a virtue." He smiles at her, and then turns around and heads off. I look and see Sarah sticking her tongue out at Randle. I start to chuckle a bit, but then I realize what I'm doing, and stop. Sarah turns towards me and gives me that pretty smile that I've come to enjoy. She walks over to me and puts her hand on my shoulder.  
"Wanna ditch?" I look at her in shock. I would think that after being reproved yesterday by Randle she wouldn't want to break any more rules. I look at her closer now, and see that she seems to need something. I don't know how I know, but I do.  
"What is it? What do you need?" She looks shocked now.  
"Nothing, I just wanted to hang out. Can't we do that?"  
"Why can't we hang out in the cafeteria? We can talk as long as we're really quiet."  
"Oh come on! Where's your sense of danger, your sense of excitement?"  
I squint my eyes at her in confusion.  
"I never had one."  
She looks at me stunned, and then cracks a smile and starts to laugh.  
"O.k. then, we'll do things your way today only because dat confused look is really cute! Shall we go then?" Now she wraps her arm around the back of my shoulders and neck. I start to flush a bit when I feel her hair brush against my ear, but I quickly control myself.  
"You know, friend, it isn't wise to show affection to one of the opposite sex around here. It's, um, not allowed." I look down at the ground and try to control my nervousness. Sarah looks at me puzzled.  
"Ya know, I'm startin to think dat you don't like me or somethin. Do you really want to follow those rules of yours, or are you just scared of that Randle guy?" I know she isn't trying to be mean, but her sarcastic tone really hurts me on the inside. Most people probably wouldn't care if someone talked to them that way, but I've been through too much to not feel bad when talked down on.  
"Why is it necessary to talk like that to me? Don't you realize what I've been through living here? Those rules, that you don't care about, are rules that I never want to even come close to breaking. Some things, in this little world of ours, are not to be messed around with. The rules are not something to be taken lightly, friend." I guess I sound like a complete jerk, but it's for her safety.  
"Hey, I don't want any trouble man I just wanted to, ya know, show you some affection." I'm stunned! No matter how many times she says that she likes me, I still get goose bumps. There's just something about her that makes my stomach do little flips. Maybe it's just because she's a girl, and I'm not used to girls actually paying any attention to me.  
"I'm sorry," I say, "I'm just too weak to handle any sarcasm. I don't mind if you put your arm around me, or if you hold my hand, but they do. Randle and the rest of the Masters will make sure that any friends who get to close will be separated. If you want to show me affection, do it in private. I don't want you to be taken away just because you found it necessary to hold my hand in front of someone. It's too risky." I look down the hall and see one of Randle's assistants coming up the hall looking for us. "We better go now."  
Sarah takes her arm from around me and puts it in her pocket. She looks at the floor, and then at me, and gives a little enticing smile. Her big green eyes seem to put me in a trance and my body starts to feel warm. The cold seems to just lift, and then be replaced with warmth like that of the Sun. The bulky guard comes up to us and grabs my shoulder.  
"Come on kiddies! Time for yawl to work! Get your butts movin!" Sarah turns her head and starts walking. The guard releases me and I walk to. He gets behind us and starts pushing our backs down the hall. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Sarah catching a glance at me. When she sees that I've noticed her, she smiles from ear to ear and winks. I start to flush a bit and the guard catches it. He pushes me hard in the back and tells me to stop playing games and start moving. So I move, I move with Sarah, together.  
  
Recreation time comes along after the midday meal so I line up with the rest of the inmates and we head outside. Sarah's standing behind me and giving me little taps on the back. I turn and look at her and she smiles seductively. I give a little chuckle. The other inmates don't seem to notice, except for Jake. I look to the line of inmates on the other side of the room only to catch him glaring at me. He taps Peter on the shoulder and whispers something in his ear. They both laugh.  
"Listen up kiddies!" Randle goes to the front of the room and starts to talk; "It's time for recreation period. I want you all to go do something productive, and don't bother me or any of the guards. If you got a problem, talk to a friend or something, I really don't care." He chuckles a bit and I see his yellow teeth, or lack of teeth. He's got his two middle teeth missing. He looks like a cartoon character.  
"Mr. Patrick!" I look over to the door and see, for the first time in a long while, one of the head Masters, Ms. Florence, daughter of the original Master. She's young and pretty with long, brunette hair and big, blue eyes. She's pretty, but I personally like Sarah more. But Master Florence looks pretty upset with Randle. She walks over to him slowly, looking at us and taking everyone in.  
"Ms. Florence! Uh, how are you this fine morning- err- afternoon? I- uh- was just sending the kiddies- children- out to recreation period! How are you- ah- doing?"  
"Better than you, apparently. Might I ask of you the nature you are treating our children here?" She acts sincere, but it's just a charade.  
"Why would you- ah- think that we're treating them bad?"  
She stares at him hard, giving him the evil look that I've come to expect out of her.  
"Never mind Mr. Patrick. I have come here today to meet the new inmate, Ms. Sarah Harrison. Would you please bring her to your office so I might have a word of welcome with her?" I feel Sarah grab my arm tightly. For the first time since I've known her I think she's scared. Randle walks towards us and she lets my arm go.  
"Right here, Ms. Florence. If you come this way, I'll show you to my- "  
"That's quite all right Randle. I'll talk to her alone. Bring the children out to the field. They need their exercise. Good day children."  
"Good day Master Florence." We all chant as if it were a ritual. She turns around with Sarah, and they disappear in Randle's office. We're then led out to the field for recreation. I'm all alone this time.  
I go behind the wall and sit down. I put my head between my knees and look at the ground. It's snowing; yet there's no snow on the ground. I cup my hands and bring them to my mouth. The warm air from my breath feels good on my cold hands. I feel a tingle down my spine and welcome it. I almost feel as if this is the one place in the world I can count on for peace. Time seems to stop, or does it launch itself further? I can't tell. Whatever is happening in this place is good. I like this spot, my spot.  
But then I look up over my shoulder, and everything seems to crumble. It's them. Our so-called leaders if you will. They're standing there and smiling at me. Jake cracks his knuckles and Peter makes a slash throat sign. I start to feel queasy.  
"So I here that you've hooked your self up with that fine little missus that just arrived. Let me tell ya something boy, she's my woman! Don't you lay a finger on her! If you try anything, I'll beat ya like there's no tomorrow! Got that!" Jake looks at me in disgust. I don't understand why he considers Sarah a toy. He sickens me.  
"Jake, she's a person, not a commodity! Show some respect for Christ's sake!"  
He looks at Peter, and then at me, and then Peter again. I see a lump form in his throat, and then he snaps. Next thing I know I'm being trampled. His huge physique is crushing me and I start to feel faint. I feel fists being bashed into my face and stomach.  
"I'll teach ya not to mess with me you dweeb!" He bashes my face in the dirt and I feel Peter spitting in my hair. "Time to finish you off!" I look up and see he's got an enormous rock in his hand. I can almost see the hatred in his eyes. It scares me. "I've been wantin to do this for quite a long time little Ms. Maxwell!" His arm rises up to the sky and the loose dirt on the rock falls into my eyes. That tingle in my spine is worse then ever and the cold seems to have come full force. I feel the wind blow through my eyes and sting them. I wonder if I'll ever see Sarah again, or maybe if I'm about to see my sister. His arm starts to come down and I see the rock's crusty features. I wonder if I've seen my last light, if this is the end. If it is, am I sad? I'm not sure if I'm sad, or if I'm happy that it's finally over. I hear a scream, but I'm not sure if it's my own. I start to fade away as the rock inches closer to my face. I fade away into nothing. Sarah. Sister. Mother. My name is Maxwell. I'm a prisoner. My life is an illusion. I have no one to love. I have everything to hate. I'm falling, falling into something that is nothing. Or is it nothing that is something? The rock is in my eyes now. Blood is flowing from my mouth, but it's only a trickle from the punches. Do I hate Jake? Do I love Sarah? Do I love or hate myself? I don't know anything. I feel as if my life has been wasted. Maybe I was destined to live a non-productive life. Maybe my life was meant for failure. Perhaps, in due time, someone will hear my story. Maybe my life is a lesson for someone far away. Or maybe I'm just a waste of space. That rock is as big as it's going to get. I don't know if I want this, but now, it's too late. I guess I'm dead. If I am, I don't care. And then, darkness.  
  
Time goes by, and I can't feel. I can't see. I can't hear. I can't think. My eyes don't open, my arms don't move, but my head spins. I'm not quite sure who I am, or where I'm at, what I'm doing. I just can't feel. There's a name for people who can't feel, right? I can't seem to recall it, but I know it's out there, somewhere. Maybe that word is death. Is it death that I'm in? If it is, I hope she's with me.  
  
Soon, a feeling of rest and relaxation encompasses me like a soothing lullaby. I don't even try to feel, because there's nothing good to touch. I guess I've lost touch with reality, but where is the reality in my world? Death seems like a strange place. It's an odd sensation that I strangely don't suffer. But the line between suffering and enjoyment in this place is awfully thin. My head starts to get cold and void of thought. The feeling almost reminds me of the other world I live in. It reminds me of that place in which I've invested so much energy, and gotten loss in return. So now I lay here, dead, but living. The thought that I'm existent in three worlds is quite invigorating. I exist not only in the world of men, but I exist in the world of death and the world of my own mind. Because of the realization of my dying reality, that tingle in my spine finally has a reason. That tingle is my gateway between life, death and acquiescence of both. I live in one world, think in another, and dream in the third. My life as a human has become pure hypocrisy. I appear to others as a regular boy living life, but in actuality, I'm nothing living in a world of death. But I see my hypocritical life as the one I wish to live.  
Now, after all this, I hear the church bells ringing. They're calling me, calling me to those Undertakers who rule my life in this retched place called CITC.  
GONG  
It rings in my ears, in my head, and I can't stop it.  
GONG  
It's the only thing I can hear now. I'm not sure what's worse, the leading clang or the echo it generates.  
GONG  
They're calling me, calling me to the end. My life here in death has to end now, or else they'll end my life in the living.  
GONG  
I start to think again, and feeling returns to my body. I open my eyes, and see green. It's those big green eyes that I love. I feel cold, but there's warmth around me. I move my eyes around, scanning for this warmth. Then I find it. The warmth is on my lips, sweet and wonderful. She moves her face from mine, and I see I'm in the same place I was when I was leveled with that rock. I see her whole face now, warm and bright. The death I just had seems to fade, and now I seem to be floating on the clouds. I guess I'm just crazy. She moves away a little more and smiles. She says something, but I can't hear anything. All I hear is that echo from those bells. Something about those bells frightens me, and I feel like I'm being called out to. They've scared me even in death.  
GONG  
  
She kissed me. She really kissed me. Her face was pressed up to mine and her green eyes seemed to glow in front of me. When I felt her lips, it was as if a fire of fervor passed through me, and melted away the cold fear I've always felt. I could feel her soft hands on mine, her delicate hair brush against my cheek, and of course her soft lips brush against mine and take my breath away. I sit up in bed now, wondering how I've let myself go so far with this girl who I've only known for a couple of days. I feel the bruises on my arms and head, and close my eyes.  
  
After a few weeks, things start to settle down. Jake's been sent to solitaire for two months, Sarah is trying to make kissing a regular thing between us, and I start to get the feeling that the Masters are on to us. I've tried to settle her down a bit and get her to not show her friendliness to me so rowdily, but she won't listen.  
We've made it a routine to meet behind that stone wall every day during recreation time. She still smokes those nasty cigarettes, but she's decided to only smoke one a day.  
"I'm quitin! I'm tellin' ya I'm quitin! And I'm doin it just for you." She told me earlier today.  
"That's good."  
"Well aint ya proud of me?"  
"Well, yeah, I guess. I guess now you'll live longer."  
"Sure will!"  
"But if you're quitting, why are you smoking now?" I ask  
She looks down at her mouth and her eyes get big. She smiles.  
"Hot diggity I didn't even know dat was there!" She spits it out and giggles.  
"What's so funny?"  
"You don't believe me do you?"  
"'Bout- ah- about what?" I think her bad use of language is rubbing off on me.  
"'Bout me quitin! You don't think a girl like me could control herself from goin and pickin up an old habit." She leans closer to me and frowns. "Well, you're wrong chum! I happen to have more self control than any o' these jaspers!" She swings her arm around me and pulls me to the ground. I lay there with her arm around me and her mouth near my ear. I can hear her breathing. We just lay there for a while and I like it. I stare up at the sky and dream of clouds. I dream of a perfect world with freedom, and of course, Sarah. I wish we could lie like this forever and dream of nothing but freedom. I feel the wind start to pick up and Sarah moves her body closer to me. "Ya know, when I lay with you like this I feel safe. I feel like I can take on the world. Max, I've never felt like this before." I open my eyes and turn my face to hers. We got to be only a couple of inches away from each other. "I know. I feel the same way." "Then why does it seem like you just don't care half da time?" "I do care, I'm just scared. I don't want to start anything until we're out of here." "And when will dat be? I got to be here for another five years! You really want to wait five years for us to be together? I say we be together now. We can be together in secret, we've proved that already." She grabs hold of my face and it happens again. Her hands are so soft and warm. That warmth surrounds me. It starts from our lips, and moves its way down to my spine and my fingers. That tingle comes back. My gateway is open.  
  
GONG  
  
It's back. I hear those bells ringing. They're ringing not only in my head, but also in my other worlds. Their ringing has haunted my mind, body and soul. I close my eyes, and hear bells. I look to the sky, and hear bells. I hold her hand, and hear bells. Those bells have got to be triggered by her kiss. I don't understand how something so terrible can come about from something so great.  
  
GONG  
  
It's their warning sign. They're ringing the bells just for me. They know what I'm doing, they always know. She hasn't heard those bells, but they'll come.  
When our lips separate, I open my eyes. I see her eyes are right in front of mine. I can't get enough of those big, green ovals. So enchanting.  
"Kissin kinda feels weird, doesn't it? But I like it." She smiles as if she was in a cheerful place. I nod my head a bit and close my eyes again. The bells are gone, but I want to make sure they're gone from all my worlds. They are.  
"Quite good." I say.  
"Especially when it's with someone you like."  
"That's the only way I've ever experienced it. But when done in secret, it's invigorating." I give her a half smile and open my eyes. She's smiling back at me just like always. I really wish I could stay like this forever, but I can't. I feel her lips against my cheek now, but that tingle comes back. I hear the whistle from inside telling us to come in. She breaks her little kiss, and gets up. With a last smile, she walks off. That tingle seems to get worse now. It's crawling up my spine, and into my head. I'm cold now. I start to shiver a bit. I close my eyes, and see something. Off in the distance I can see someone. The person is cloaked in black and walking slowly. There's a big tower behind him. I look to the top of it, and it's there.  
  
GONG  
  
It's the source of that ringing. It's that giant bell up there that's been giving me this fear. But then I look at the cloaked man and tremble. I have no idea who or what he is. He walks up closer to me, and the only part of his face I see is his mouth. He's smiling. But it's not a loving smile. It's evil. But when he talks, I suddenly understand who he is and what he wants.  
You know what you are doing is against my rules, correct?  
Yes.  
So then why do you continue to do it?  
Because I like her.  
No.  
How did you~  
I am you. I know all that you know. That is not the reason you are doing it.  
But if you know, why do I have to tell you?  
You must admit to yourself why you are breaking the rules. That is the only way to make it right.  
Oh. Well, I'm doing it because I~  
You lie! Tell the truth!  
How did you~  
Stop trying to deceive yourself! You cannot trick me!  
Stop it! Get out of my head!  
Do not be foolish! I am you and you are me. We are one in the same!  
Don't~ don't hurt her!  
I will not hurt her, you will.  
No!  
You will hurt her, unless of course you admit too why you are breaking my rules.  
Get out!  
No! Admit!  
Because I~  
You lie! Stop lying you fool!  
Because I~  
Lie!  
Because I~  
Lie!  
Because I~  
Lie!  
Because I love her!  
  
Pitiful. How can you love someone that you have known for a few measly weeks?  
I don't know.  
I am ashamed to call myself you. You must realize your mistake, and correct it. If you do not, then that tingle will just get worse, and that bell will never stop ringing. But worse than that, I will return. Straighten yourself out! If you do not, beware of a mutiny from your fellow self. Understand?  
Yes.  
Good. Now go to your bed and moan over your useless life you fool.  
And just like that he walks off and disappears. The tingle is still there though. I look at that tower, but it's vanishing now. But even though it's vanishing, I can still hear those bells. They're haunting me. She doesn't understand it. Her love for me is the biggest joy I can have, but it's also the one thing that kills me more than anything. It's sad. I'm sad. We're all sad.  
GONG  
  
I leave the courtyard and go back inside behind everyone else. We're getting ready for our evening jobs. I go to the closet and grab a bucket of soapy water. Sarah takes some washcloths and walks into the men's bathroom ahead of me. She's got her hair back in that ponytail. During recreation time she usually lets her hair fall to her shoulders but when we get back inside she ties it back.  
We get in the bathroom and go to work cleaning it up good. The bathroom's pretty big and it takes a while for two people to clean it. There are a couple of stalls on two ends of the room and there are some showers on another end. In the middle there are some pale white sinks lined back to back. We go over to one of the stalls and start cleaning the toilet there.  
I take a damp washcloth and start to wipe down the back of the bowl while Sarah wipes the floor around it. I rub that washcloth hard, making sure I don't miss any dirt. I know that if I leave here and it's still dirty I'll be in trouble, and so will she. So now I got that cloth up in deep and I'm scraping dirt from little crevices. Sarah's mopping the floor pretty lazily and she seems to be daydreaming. I steal a glance at her and notice she's looking really tired. Her eyes seem to always be half closed and her mouth droops a bit. Her face seems to be a lot bonier than when she first arrived. I remember when her cheeks were soft and a tad bit rounded. Now they look solid and scorched.  
"What is it?" She asks when she sees me looking at her.  
"Nothing."  
"No, somethin's goin on, I just don't know what." She smiles and her eyes get big again, but only for a second.  
"It's just that, well, it seems to me like you're losing strength. You look hurt." She looks at me stunned and frowns.  
"I don't feel bad, you're probably just 'maginin things."  
"Maybe."  
I hear the door behind us open and I turn to see Randle. He comes in looking at his watch and then looks towards us. When he sees me lying there near Sarah he snickers.  
"Mr. James, Ms. Harrison, good day. Glad to see that you both are going ahead and becoming friends. You know, I never thought I'd see the day that Maxwell here went and got himself a little missus to hang around him. Just remember Ms. Harrison; this isn't the best place to be trustin no one, they'll just let you down. Look out for yourself, ya hear, and don't be getting to close to no one. I wouldn't want ya to get your heart broken, Ha ha!" With that he looks at his watch and then turns and walks off. I turn to Sarah and see she's giggling. "What now?" I ask. "That man... has no idea." "No idea? About what?" "Something only people like him and me can understand." She said. "What do you mean? You don't seem alike." "Ah, well it's kind of hard to explain. We both have the same outlooks on life. He and I see ourselves as opposites to the daffodils of the world. We're the ones who were dealt a pretty bad hand for life. I know a lot of people don't got a good life, but we're different. We act like we have an inner dignity that we don't really got. On the outside we're pretty darn arrogant, but on the inside we hide an unease that we don't like to admit we got. I can see that he's one of those people. It's sad that these people won't admit that they're living a lie. I guess I'm a bit better than them in a sense, considerin I'm admitin that I'm one of them. But you're the only one I'd tell." I look at her thoughtfully, wondering how she could admit something like that. She's looking at the ground in reflection and doesn't seem to notice me staring at her. "I guess I put on this little behavior when my dad died. I didn't like him much, but he was my father nonetheless. When he died, I was left all alone without anyone to hang on too. I really lost strength when that happened," I see a tear slip over her cheek and she sniffles," and instead of showing just how alone I was, I hid it inside me. I hid all my fear inside me and decided to never show it. So I put on an attitude that wasn't really me. I acted like a child actin like an adult actin like a child. That's not me. You haven't seen the real me, the me that shines. You've seen the me that hides my true self." She's tearing out of both eyes now and I feel my body get cold. I feel as if I'm going to cry with her, but I don't. My heart feels heavy. I reach my hand out and touch her shoulder. Feeling my hand touch her warms me up a bit, but then she looks up from the floor and straight at me. Her sorrow filled eyes freeze me and fill me with sorrow as well. It's sad too look at her now without that gleeful smile and those loving green eyes, but I convince myself to keep looking straight. She puts her hand on the hand I put on her shoulder. She looks at our hands intertwined and smiles a bit while she sniffles. She closes her eyes and lays her head on our hands. I feel her warm tears trickle onto my hand and then gently glide down my arm like a feature in the Heavens. We sit there together with her resting her head on our hands and me looking to the ceiling, wondering if I love her like I said to my dark side. It's a strange thing, this love business, but it's also an exciting journey. I just hope she'll go along with me for the ride.  
  
One day she asked me about my sister. It was an odd question that came straight out of nowhere, but she seemed passionate about it. I had told her only a few minuet details about her such as the closeness we shared, but I never talked about her as much as I thought of her. We were out behind the wall in the courtyard during recreation time when she asked.  
"I remember you talkin' bout your sis a couple of times, and I was wonderin what she was like. You said she was the most important person in your life, yet you never talk bout her. Why's that."  
"I guess I just can't take the pain." I say.  
"Pain of what?"  
"Her death."  
She sits there for a moment looking straight ahead and then turns to me and smiles.  
"So when they kill me, you're never gonna talk bout me to no one?"  
I look at her in both shock and fear.  
"Why would you say something like that?"  
"Everyone dies Max."  
"Yeah, but you don't have to be so hasty about it. You're not going to die here."  
"Maybe I will, you never know."  
"You won't, I'll make sure of it."  
"So tell me bout her. What was she like? Why were you two so close?" She leans in closer to me and I feel as if I can hear her heart beating. I look up to the pale sky and take a deep breath. I don't like to tap into the memory of her death, but if I'm going to tell anyone about her, it'll be Sarah.  
"Her name was Naru... Naru James." I smile at her name; "She was ten years older than me but we had an automatic bond not only as siblings, but as entities trying to live through this life. She always was caring to me, but she tended to distrust the rest of society. She never wanted another man in her life mainly because she had a very complex paranoia of them. We were the only children from my mother but we were really the only sane people in our house, since our mother was always drunk. "After awhile, my mother became broke and we were forced to live in a trailer park with some of her drinking friends. Since we didn't have money to attend school, Naru decided to teach me, considering she had gotten up to eleventh grade before having to drop out. So she taught me from when I was five and a half, until her death when I was eight. I was young, but I learned well. We had a strong bond before the trailer park days, but during those days our relationship was at it's highest. "Then, everything started to come unglued. First, my mother killed herself right in front of our very eyes just because a couple of her bottles of vodka had caught a flame and burned. So she pulled out a handgun from a small cupboard, started to laugh hysterically, and then put the gun right in her mouth. That was it. I remember hearing her laughing so loudly. Time seemed to slow down and every little detail was forever etched into my mind. I remember seeing my mother smile and her eyes widen in fervor, but there was also a trickle flowing from one of them. She was crying, almost as if she realized who we were and what she was doing. I remember hearing Naru screaming and crying, and then I heard the shot. I watched her fall to the ground almost in a motion similar to that of a crow in flight; fluid. "So she died, and we were moved from New York to Burlington Vermont, a good 40 miles or so below Canada, a couple of miles from here. There, we got sent to a foster home, the Henderson's house. We lived there for a couple of months, but it was a horrible time. My sister's paranoia grew and I went into seclusion. I didn't eat for a good month. I was eventually dragged into a school, but the children were heartless. I was compelled to knock a few of them out, which eventually led me here. "But after a couple of fights, and a couple of arguments between my sister and the Henderson's, things ended quickly. My sister went out and stole a shotgun and four shotgun shells, one for each of us. She came home one night and loaded up the first two shells. I remember sitting in my room when I heard a short scream and then a large bang. I was scared, and then I heard another bang. Two down, two too go. Then I heard her coming up the stairs and putting in the last two shells. My door swung open and the light from the hallway hurt my eyes that were used to the dark. "When my eyes adjusted, I saw her. She looked completely different with her big blue eyes in a psychotic daze. Her brown hair that had once been quite long was now cut short in a bowl cut like yours. Her clothes were ripped and they smelled considering she never took the energy to change them. Every part of her body seemed to be possessed, including her mind. "Then she looked me in the eye, and I saw her crying for the first time since our mother died. "You know I don't want to do this," she had said, " but it's the only way to kill our suffering." She aimed the gun at me and, for the first time, I felt horrified by her. My eyes widened and my jaw dropped. Seeing the person I loved the most stand there and commence to die piece by piece is something that can't be explained. It shouldn't be experienced by anyone. "But after standing there pointing the gun at me for what seemed like hours, she backed down. She looked at me for a while and I saw her crying get more severe. "Know that I love you Max. I always have and I always will." She raised the gun to her head and I watched in horror. My eyes widened and I couldn't breath. "I'll see you again. And when I find you, we'll be happy." And then, it was over. "She died, I was sent here, and now, in a sense, I am dead like her. Sometimes I wish she would have used that other shell and just ended it there, but other times I'm thankful to her." I look at Sarah and see she's staring at me. She's really listening which makes me happy. I'm glad to finally get it all out, but it's still tough.  
"Wha... what did she mean by "when you find me, we'll be happy"?" She asks.  
I look her in the eye and smile. My sister was smart and she knew that I'd find someone to fill the void in my heart with. Love was what she had meant, and love is what I found.  
"That's something for only me to know. It's, ah, personal." I smile a bit but I'm still not that cheerful after telling my story. But I got it out, and that's what counts. I loved my sister, and to anyone who knows what it's like to lose a loved one, you know that recalling his or her memory is the hardest thing to do. But I guess that in a sense, I've conquered my enemy of the past. It's now just a memory. I know that it doesn't sound like a major victory, but it is. I think that I've come one step closer to something I've never had: courage. But being one step closer is still far from courage. My sister's memory was a powerful enemy, but in the end, talking about it was the only way to destroy it.  
The memory of my sister is always going to be in me, whether it's good memories or bad. But I'd just as soon forget the later, and remember the good. I guess she knew that I'd eventually get over the past and find love, but I never believed it. What counts now is that I've found my sister again. I now know what she meant when she told me to find her. She may be dead, but I've found her love again. I know now that she was right in saying that we'll be happy, because we will be, someday. But for now we're forced to live in this world of hate. But to have a happy life, one must work. And to be with one's love, one must walk through the trials of hurt and despair. I'm still in those trials, but I know that I can get out.  
With Sarah's help, I've fixed something that has haunted me forever. I will always be in her debt for what she's done, but I know it's only a minor problem compared to the other things that require my attention. I will savor this victory though, and I will bath in its glory until the hate that runs through me returns. All I know is that if life were football, they'd be saying chalk seven points up to Maxwell James; he just scored a touchdown.  
  
By now Sarah and I are in our own little world. It's only been about a month and ten days since she arrived but I think it's safe to assume that we both are past friendship. It's fun to be with her. When I'm with her I feel as if the Masters can't touch me. I feel as if I can fly high in the sky and look down on everyone who has looked down on me. When I'm with her, I feel as if I'm in charge of the world. It's an invigorating feeling and I love it.  
The funny thing is that I've convinced her to try and keep it secret. People know we're friends, sure, but I think any suspicion of a relationship between us is not happening. And we go well together. The only problem between us is the fact that I still don't think we should be together right now. I think that it would be wise for both of us to wait until we get out of this place, together. But Sarah is pretty impatient and she wants to be with me now. She still hasn't experienced the Masters so she doesn't have a complete understanding as to the full iniquity they hold.  
Basically, the full extent of their power over us is all in the mind. Sure they have scared us all physically with forms of torture, but for the most part, it's the way that they play with your emotions and your mind that really gets to you. I've experienced it very badly for six years now, which is why I have developed a fear of them, and a respect of their power. But Sarah has only been here for a month, so she hasn't realized the battle that the Masters start in our heads. The Masters tend to divide on part of us from the other part. They seem to watch our strength and then, at the right moment, pounce on it, and shred it into pieces. Then, when we're down and out, they give us back just a sap of that power, only enough to make us stand and to realize that we're fighting ourselves. I never could figure out why they do it.  
So now, for the most part, I'm in a war against myself, against the cloaked part of my mind. It's quite a quagmire. I always know what the enemy will do, but he always knows what I'll do. We're one in the same; a sort of combination of naive ness and hatred. But the enemy has the advantage. The enemy, you see, has the mind of a fox, quick and swift, while I only have half of a mind. But my half of the brain is forever in the senses realm, while the enemy is in the real world, and not to mention, the dream and death world. The enemy can call me out whenever he wants, while I am powerless to do anything but defend by closing my eyes and imagining light and beauty. It's a classic battle of good and evil, but the only twist is that it's all in my head.  
Sarah won't see the Masters real game until she's experienced loss. I experienced loss by physical pain, others have experienced it by loss of friend and, unfortunately, others know it only through death. This is the deadly game we play. The Masters are the provokers while the true enemy is our own minds. My mind has become that of a desolate cave, alone in the windy night. Not a single thought passes through me during battle, just a tiny breeze of fear. That fear has materialized into the ringing of the bells, and the words of its taker. He has shown himself, but only to the degree of frightening my senses to the point of complete shutdown. The enemy of my mind's whole game plan is to open up old wounds, both mentally and physically. It's almost as if my enemy jumps from my mind, to the Masters mind, and controls them into making me dejected. The mind of any human can only be his or hers worst enemy, but my mind is the enemy and the ruler of my sane side. My mind has told me that death is expectable, and that life is pointless. But there is always a hero to thwart the evils of the desolate cave in my mind. The problem is that that hero is me. The hero that I've searched for all this time is myself. Take it in the context of the Revolution of America. I see it like me being in the place of the Yankees and the other me as being the Redcoats. I can fight and fight, and even, perhaps, take the lead in the fight, but in the end, the sheer power of my mind, the Redcoats, will overtake my good nature. That is, unless, the French come to my aid bearing gifts of help. The French, in my case, would have to be Sarah, obviously. But even when she has arrived and liberated me from fears that once controlled me, that one fear of the Masters and myself will always come in the form of that tingle down my spine, and haunt me. It's the pain when I can't feel, my dream come in context. In my dreams, my mind has gone astray, and in death, my mind has become real. But in reality, my mind has gone away, and my enemy is my eyes, controlling my repentance for things he has brought about. It's sad, yes, but it's all too true. I look back at my life thus far, and see nothing but uncertainty. I look at my attitude towards my enemy and realize that I don't know my feelings towards him. I can't quite decipher where myself ends, and where myself begins. They're one in the same, two peas in a pod, two men in a boat. Yet, they are complete opposites. That's the nature of life. You see one thing, you think another, you wish for another, but in actuality, neither is true. Everything I've seen isn't real. Everything I've heard is false. Everything I know is wrong, save one, my love. My love has yet to let me down and it will continue to support me on the journey I take through life, death and dreams. When I look at Sarah, I see my love, and I see her love. We have love and confidence in one another even if I'm reluctant for anything to confirm it. Love is something I can't describe, but I know it's there. It's funny how the enemy is so similar to love, in that they are both secret and hidden, yet fully revealed. If she doesn't see that I love her, then she must be blind. My sister once told me that I would find love in a place where none can flow. She told me that when I found this love, I mustn't let go, for if I did, it would never return. Naru was a smart person, and she knew what love was. As for me, I know what it is as well. I know she would be proud of my love, but she would also fear my fear. She would see that I have the same enemy she has, and she would tremble at it just as I have. But Sarah stands tall. She stands despite any obstacle, and for that, I'm grateful. I really do love her, just like I loved my sister. And like Naru, I know that Sarah will never hate me. But unlike with Naru, I have come to doubt if I will never hate Sarah. Hate runs through me like fire, but it also clashes with my fear. I may never be sure which is the more powerful, but I know that whichever one is, it's not good.  
  
It's free time before bed and Sarah is sitting in her bed napping and I'm laying on mine staring at the ceiling above. The room is quiet with all the inmates sitting on their bed or playing cards or stretching. I hear a small creek down at the bottom floor, and then I hear voices. I hear a boys voice and a couple of men's voices and one woman. Suddenly I hear a short yelp and then the sound of shoes screeching against the floor. There's a whole mixture of sounds and then a short but lout whack, and it gets quiet again. Then I hear footsteps, which start to get louder as they come up the stairs. When the people get to the top of the stairs I hear a loud knock at the door. One of Randle's lackeys walks to the door and opens it.  
I see that the woman's gone and now there's two guards holding a boy, who's long, golden hair is covering his down turned face.  
"And who might this be?" Randle's lackey asks.  
"New arrival. He's a firecracker, gave us a bit of trouble down there, but he'll be fine." The guard answers.  
"Of course."  
"Here's his record. I'll leave him to you, got to get back downstairs." And with that he turns around and heads out the door.  
By now everyone is looking at this new kid. We can't see his face but we can see the rest of his body. He's got on a leather jacket that barley fits with a white, long sleeved shirt underneath. Below that he's got a pair of blue jeans on with a chain coming out from his right pocket that has a cross on the end. On his feet, he's got big, black boots on which reminds me of the old motorcycle riders I used to see. Randle's lackey gets two guards to carry him to a bed next to mine. He plops him down and for the first time I see his face. It's a soft face and it looks about my age. He opens one eye slightly and I see a bit of hazel color come out from it. Then, as quick as it opened, it closes again, and his cheeks turn a shade violet.  
"Oh, is this the new kiddy on the block?" I look over near the door and see Randle walking up to the new boy. He's got his briefcase and his hat. I guess he's getting ready to leave, which is unusual because he doesn't leave until we're all asleep.  
He gets over to the kids bed and picks up the clipboard with his records. He looks them over with a confused face.  
"Peter! Get over here!" The lackey who pulled the kid to his bed earlier comes up to Randle and asks him what he wants.  
"Why doesn't this boy have a last name written down here?"  
"I don't know. The orphanage said he didn't have one. He just goes by his first name."  
"Really. And do you know his name?"  
The guard smiles a bit and says it slowly.  
"Shane."  
"Shane, huh? Ha! Who does he think he is? What is he some kind of gunfighter come here to stop Ryker? I think not! This kiddy ain't no Shane, he's a throw away." Randle stomps off to his office and slams the door. I can't understand what he's talking about or why he hates this new kid so much, but I don't really care.  
Peter puts the clipboard between his arm and chest and walks off as well. I watch him walk so pompously and it makes me sick. He walks as if he owns the place, just like all of the other adults think.  
I turn back to Shane and see that he's still pretty much unconscious. I decide to leave him be, but then I look over to Sarah and see her with a somber face as if someone just died. I watch her closely as she gets off her bed, and tip toes over to Shane's bed. She gets on her knees and moves close to his pale face. I see her whisper something in his ear, close her eyes, and then she stands up. She puts her hand on his shoulder and smiles a bit. When she takes it off, she looks at me as if she just noticed I was here.  
"He'll be fine, just a scratch. Night."  
"Night."  
She walks over to her bed, pulls the covers over her, and closes her eyes.  
The lights go out and we sleep, not wanting to wake up.  
  
I open my eyes and see green. It's a pretty, light green, not the kind of green you'd see in a forest though. It's the kind of green that who wish you could live in. It's the green of open fields with mountains in the distance. It's the green you'd expect to see in a place like Heaven. It's the green that brings you comfort.  
It takes me a couple of seconds to realize what I'm looking at, but even after I figure it out, I don't move. I don't want to move because I can feel the warmth around me. But I don't feel the tingle down my spine, and I don't hear the bells ringing. All I see is green, a pretty, light green.  
I watch her eye move a bit back and then I see her face, and then, her whole body half leaning on my bed. I sit up and watch her smile at me. I smile back and ask her what she's doing.  
"If you get caught over hear, they'll take you away."  
"They won't see me."  
"Why are you over here?"  
"I wanted to say hi."  
"And play tonsil hockey?" I ask sarcastically. She giggles at that.  
"Of course!" She closes her eyes and smiles from ear to ear. "But you must admit that I always win."  
"If you say so."  
Then she lays her head on my neck and puts her hand in mine. That warmth has turned to pure heat and I must admit that it's a bit uncomfortable. Not only that, but I start to get a bit of a shiver down my spine and I can swear that I hear bells. I'm afraid to close my eyes because he'll be there. And if I close my eyes, I'll see that tower of deception with its bells of mourning.  
"You can drop the act, friend, I know you're watchin." She whispers. I look at her in confusion, wondering what she's talking about. Then she turns her head over to the bed next to me, and I follow.  
"Quite a perceptive judgment you got there missy, not to mention beautiful looking eyes. The good Lord must be smiling down on me to put me here with a girl as wonderful as you that he must. I'm Shane, devoted follower of the faith! May I ask for your name missy?" He's got his eyes closed but he seems to be able to see everything.  
"Well, Shane devoted follower of the faith, I'm Sarah, devoted follower of nothin!"  
"Well, Sarah, I'm sorry to hear that you have no faith in the Man upstairs, but it's not for me to judge one who doesn't believe that it is not. But, believers will be rewarded in the end, you just got to realize that!" He opens his eyes now and turns to me. "And who might you be?"  
"Maxwell James."  
"Well Max, it seems to me that you're a lucky man to have this girl like you so much that you are. I'd say that the only way a man could get so lucky would be if he were a believer. Tell me, do you believe in God?"  
"Well, I guess that I never thought about it." I answer.  
"Well that's a shock! I can't believe that such a lucky guy doesn't have any covenant with the Father. It's a shame, but I must let you know that there is still hope my friend that there is! Please, find the light! Become a believer and reap in the awards promised by Him! Don't wait, because the Lord could come back at any time, and if you don't believe, you'll be given eternal damnation that you will! My friend, respect the Lord and you will see His promises! You could live forever if you only believe on Him that you could!"  
"Um, I'll get back to you on that one."  
"Suite yourself."  
"Now listen here mista Shane. This is my boyfriend here," I blush at that title, "and I don't want no one thinkin they can come in here and just mold him into a belief. So if you're just gonna preach like some TV preacher, then I suggest you take your business somewhere else!" I'm surprised at her viciousness, but it comforts me to know that she'll stand up for me, even if it is against a total stranger who probably had good intentions. Shane smiles.  
"Haha, the good Lord is telling me that you and I will be great friends that He is!"  
Sarah's face gets irritated, but she manages a slight smile.  
"Yeah, great friends."  
"Now, my friends, could someone clue me in on what's up with this place?"  
"What do you mean?" I ask.  
"Well, you see, when I was laying on my bed, I noticed that all of you people seem scared or something that you do. I haven't seen such a depressed group of people since I was in a house full of Quakers that I haven't!" I don't get his joke but he starts to chuckle.  
"But you were knocked out the whole time. How did you see anyone?"  
"I wasn't knocked out mate, I was just taking everything in. The good Lord has given me eyes that see even when they're closed." He turns to Sarah and smiles, "and yes, I will be careful as too what I say in front of the authority here that I will. And thank you for offering to watch my back but I already have the good Lord taking care of that that I do." He smiles and Sarah blushes a bit. I guess he was responding to what she said when he was pretending to be knocked out.  
"Well I only said that because I thought your personality would be as nice as your looks, but I guess I was wrong."  
"Easy now miss Sarah. We wouldn't want your boyfriend to get mad that we wouldn't!"  
"Don't you even try to bring him into this! It's between you and me. From what I've seen of you, you probably never even had a girlfriend."  
"Well, your right there that you are." He chuckles.  
"Or maybe you don't believe in love. Is that it?"  
He leans in closer to her and his smile disappears.  
"Go ahead and insult me all you want, but never question my faith. The good Lord put man and woman here so they could have love for one another, so of course I believe in love. The question is not whether I believe or not, no, the question is whether any of us have found love, or if what we say is love is just lust that it is." He eyeballs Sarah and then looks straight at me. Before I can even open my mouth, Sarah has taken offence again.  
"Are you sayin that what Max and I feel is simply lust? Let me tell you somthin; if we don't question your faith, you don't question our love."  
"Aye, so love it is. Well if it's a compromise you want, it's a compromise I'll give you. And as the good book says, "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour." As you can plainly see... we're neighbors that we are."  
With that he looks at us and smiles. Then he turns his body around, says good night, and goes back to bed. Sarah and I look at each other in confusion, but then she shrugs her shoulders, kisses my cheek, and goes to bed. I lay down myself, close my eyes, and, for the first time, notice that I'm very tired. Just when I start to fall asleep, I hear Shane humming a song. Then he says something that sounds sad, and it almost reflects our life here. Shane may have faith, but he'll need more than that to survive this place.  
"This story of life is quicker than the wink of an eye, the story of love is hello and goodbye, until we meet again."  
  
I wake up refreshed but it doesn't last. My eyes move around, looking at the ceiling and then at the beds around me. I see Shane isn't in his bed and he's nowhere to be found. I look towards Sarah's bed and see that she's gone too. Everyone else is still sleeping.  
I get out of my bed and wander around the room looking for any sign of life. The air seems to be breathing and whispering in my ear. I realize that walking takes all the energy I can muster, and breathing hurts my chest. The walls seem to echo my breaths, and I feel like I'm floating in space. My heart starts to race and my breathing intensifies, but the echo I hear is slow and loud. There are no other sounds in the room, no movement either. I walk a little further to the small cubicle that Randle works in. I go to the door and open it, but no one is inside. I turn around and walk out into the room I was just in.  
But now the room has lost its shape. The kids that were lying down in beds are now floating with their eyes closed. The echo of my breath gets louder and slower now. My head starts to hurt and my legs feel numb. I catch a flicker of black ahead of me and I squint my eyes at it, trying to see what it was. But it's too late; it's out of sight.  
But then I look towards the children floating in mid air. Their eyes are closed but their mouths start to move in unison. Their mouths are the only things that move. I walk up to one and try to read what he's saying, but I can't tell. Then his lips start to move faster and faster, and all of their lips start moving fast. But there's no sound coming out. They move quicker than I can see and I can swear they're smiling. I step back in confusion and they all stop just as quick as they started. I can only hear the echo of my breath. It's too slow and too loud. It starts too hurt my head and makes my eyes writhe in pain. Tears start too pour out of them but I can't feel them as they slide down my cheeks. I see one tear flow off my face and into the air. I stare at it as it floats through the air. I can see every little detail of its inside. I notice its clear color bends as it slides through different parts of the sky. And then, that tingle down my spine comes back. I feel it ripping me apart from the inside out. Then it sticks itself into my side like a thorn. It jabs at my ribs and pokes at my skin. It seems to have a mind of its own. It seems to find a place of delicate skin and bone, and then eat away at it like a fireball. It's no longer a tingle on my spine; it's a killer. But after all this, I hear them. Their eyes flash open at once revealing their pupil less eyes. Their eyes consist of nothing but white and red and blue little veins popping out from the sides. Their mouths all move at once and they say the same thing as if they were puppets. They say it with no emotion and no sense. They are controlled by something to horrible to imagine; me.  
"He's coming."  
GONG  
"N... no, not now." I try to say, but the words reverb in my brain. I can't talk.  
I look out to the distance and I see what that flicker of black was. It was him. He's sitting there, legs crossed, hands to the sides. His head is down and I can only see the top of his black hood. He doesn't even flinch.  
I hear my breathing getting quieter, but I can hear my heart pumping. It starts to echo and get louder. My breathing ceases to be and my heart pumps violently. It gets louder and louder until I think it's going to burst my eardrums. The only thing that challenges that echo is the constant ringing of the bells. No matter how loud my heart gets, the bells get louder.  
I can see the tower behind him now, and it gets bigger and louder as I become more scared and frightened. He lifts his head up just enough for me too see the edges of that hateful smile. It's the smile of a dead man who feels no remorse for even his own kind. It's the smile of an animal that feasts off its own kindred. It's the smile of something that doesn't feel.  
You are frightened, oh so frightened. I like that- nay- I love that. Yes, I love that fright. I feed off of it; I live off of it.  
What do you want?  
Do you need to ask? I have told you not to break my rules, yet you continue to lie to yourself and tell yourself that you are doing the right thing.  
What do you mean?  
Do you think that the Disciple is right?  
What Disciple?  
The Disciple that sees himself at the hand of the Almighty.  
Shane?  
Of course. Do you believe his words?  
What do you mean?  
Do you believe his testimony?  
His testimony?  
His words of redemption and the words that he speaks of Heaven with. Do you believe those?  
I... I don't know. I never thought about it.  
Well, do not you think that the time has come to start believing for a better place?  
Why now?  
Because the end is near.  
  
GONG  
  
The end of what?  
The end of life, my dear self.  
The end of life has already passed me. I've been dead for six years.  
That you have, but you have new seed now, because of her. But I have found a way to end her and to kill that new seed you have.  
I won't let you hurt her.  
I never said that I would hurt her. I have already told you that you will hurt her. I foresee a jealousy entwining itself around your being. This jealousy will kill you both.  
But if I die, so will you.  
No I will not. I will plant myself into another's heart, and I will feed on their hurt and suffer. That is my job. You should learn to recognize your fear, because if you do not, you will surely die. That is the essence of life my friend. It is sad for you but glorious for me. Pardon my pleasure in your death, but I guess that I am a deathful kind of guy.  
So now I must take my leave and so must you. Do not be scared of the children as you pass them. They are simply puppets of a game that is much grander than your pathetic existence. Remember what I have said, and be weary of my coming. Be frightful of your emotions and of the people they are caused by.  
He bows his head and disappears, the bell with him. I float there alone for a minute, thinking about what he's said. I don't understand anything. It makes me mad when he talks to me, not to mention the fright it causes me.  
I turn around and walk to a door I see past the children. They're normal now, eyes full of youth and faces of love. They're running around me as I walk, singing a strange song in another language. Even though I can't understand them, I can't help but understand them. I remember the words he said, whether they were to me or not. They are so true, yet so sad. Those are the true words that have scared me to death.  
"This story of life is quicker than the wink of an eye; the story of love is hello and goodbye, until we meet again."  
I enter the door and a strong light clouds my vision. When my eyes adjust, I start to make out shapes and feeling returns to my legs. I lift my head and see that I'm in my bed. It was all a dream, a worthless, pitiful dream. The problem, however, is that it scared me half to death. Dream or not, it was all too real.  
  
Shane is a strange guy. He starts to follow Sarah and I around wherever we go.  
We go to the mess hall, and he's with us. We go out to the courtyard, and he's there. We go to the sleeping quarters, and he's there too. Sarah can't stand him at all, and that dislike seems to thicken every day. She constantly tells me to beat him up so we can be alone, but I have learned to control my anger and not let it guide me.  
Now, we're out in the courtyard for free time after brunch, and to no surprise, Shane is with us behind the wall. Sarah and him are arguing about the basis of life or something, and I just sit in between them, defending myself from their clumsy fingers that they point at each other. I decide not to join any sides because I've developed a bit of a quiet friendship with Shane over the last few days. As for Sarah, I wouldn't want to disagree with her because she'd probably beat me up!  
"And I'm tellin you that God never made humans, we came from something else!" She puts her hand in her pocket and pulls out a cigarette. She lights it and blows the smoke everywhere.  
"I thought you were quitting." I say.  
"Oh shut up, nobody asked you."  
"Max, here, has got a point, missy. Smokin at our age aint to good for you that it is not."  
"You shut up too! I don't care if ya'll gang up on me cause I like to smoke!"  
"The good Lord doesn't approve of your actions, missy, that he does not. He is telling me that I am going to live longer than you that he is."  
He smiles from ear to ear and he closes his eyes in joy. I see Sarah is incredibly ticked off at him but she can't really say anything to hurt his confidence.  
"I don't care." is all she can muster out.  
"Aye, but you should! A healthy man is a friend of the Lord that he is!"  
"Stop preachin for Christ's sake! Why don't you act your age?"  
"My age? Act my age she says!" he slaps my shoulder in a friendly gesture, but his smack hurts. "From what I've seen, none of us are acting our age! Max here seems to be in his own world. You seem to be in another world as well, except your world is a mystery even to you. But I'm grounded to Earth! I have seen the light and I plan to follow it that I do!"  
"Yeah, but the light is dimming, partner." Sarah says sarcastically. But that seems to cool things down and they both get a laugh out of it. I just sit there listening.  
"Max, my friend, you seem so quiet that you do. Are we scaring you?"  
"No, I'm fine."  
"No, somethin's wrong my dear, and it's your obligation to tell me what it is."  
"I'm just...thinking."  
"About what mate?"  
"He's thinkin bout me, aint it obvious?"  
"Why would anyone want to think about you, missy? Well, unless they were thinking about ringing your neck! Haha!" He slaps his knee and hunches over laughing. Sarah just stares at him in disgust.  
"Well, I hope your thinkin bout ringing my neck, cause I'm sure thinkin bout ringing yours."  
"Aye, do you think that scares me, missy? It doesn't that it does not! I don't take threats from little gals very seriously that I do not!" He's still smiling from ear to ear and I feel a smile come on my face. They're quite funny together.  
"Don't you dare take his side, Max!" Sarah yells. With that I hush up.  
"Aye Max, be a man, stand up for yourself!"  
"No, I prefer to be on good terms with her. It's easier that way."  
"Well then I guess you don't know what easy is, that you do not!" Sarah looks at him in disgust. She spits out her cigarette, stands up, and starts to walk off.  
"I hope you boys enjoy each others company without me. I'm sick of you, Shane. Max, I'll see you later."  
And then, she walks around the wall and out into the courtyard by herself. I look at Shane and see he's still smiling like a maniac.  
"Why are you so happy?"  
"I like her. She's a good person underneath all that mean exterior that she is."  
"Yeah, she is."  
"Aye, you're a lucky man, Max that you are! I wish I would have hooked up with a girl like that when I was younger."  
"How old are you?" I ask.  
"I'm fourteen that I am. You?"  
"Same."  
"Aye, what a coincidence! And the gal?"  
"Fourteen as well."  
"Aye, of course."  
Then there's a silence, until he looks up at the sky and smiles.  
"I just noticed that the sky is always pale that it is."  
"Yeah, it's always pale."  
"And it's quite cold that it is."  
"Yeah, it's always cold."  
"Are you okay?"  
"What?"  
"Are you okay?" he asks again.  
"Why?"  
"Well you seem to always be daydreaming. Do you just not care or something?"  
"I'm just trying to be in another world, I guess."  
"Aye, you guess, huh? The big Man is telling me that all is not what it seems that He is."  
"I guess He's right."  
"Of course He's right! He's always right!"  
"I guess." He looks at me now with a straight face. His big, hazel eyes seem to glow as he looks at me. Then he smiles a bit and looks at the dirt.  
"May I ask you a personal question?"  
"Sure, go ahead."  
"Do you love her?"  
"Huh, who do you mean?"  
"Who do you think I mean?"  
"Oh, her."  
"Yes, her."  
I think about it for a minute but I'm not really sure. I know that I like her a lot, but do I love her? I really don't know what love is; well, except what I felt for my sister. But that was a different kind of love, a sibling love. Do I love Sarah? Maybe. If I knew the feeling you get when you're in love then I'd be able to answer that. But right now, I'm not sure.  
"I...I don't know. I really don't know what love is."  
"Aye, everyone knows what love is, mate. It's that feeling that you know you have, but you can't identify it. It's the feeling that tells you to forgive someone, even when you don't want to. It's the feeling that you get when you kiss her, that excitement as if it were the first time you locked lips. Love is that elusive feeling that you can't get rid of. Sarah seems to feel it, but the question is, do you feel it that it is."  
"Love, huh?"  
"Aye mate, love."  
"Well, are you in love, Shane?" I ask.  
He looks at me a little stunned, surprised that I would ask him that question. The he bows his head, closes his eyes and shakes his head.  
"No, my friend, I am not. I feel as if, despite my age, I'm too old for love. I feel as if I was destined for something greater that I do. But if you ask me if I will ever fall in love, then yes, I probably will, but not today not at all. I think that at this stage of my life I am destined to serve Him and only Him to the best of my ability. Call me crazy but I think that matters of the heart are just a waste of time that I do."  
"Well, I'm sorry, I truly am."  
"For what?""  
"For the fact that you're missing out on all the fun."  
"Fun? Fun of what?"  
I look at him and smile.  
"Aye! You're missing out on the fun of love that you are!"  
I stand up and walk off thinking about Sarah and smiling.  
  
It's a day that's colder than normal. I come outside with Sarah and Shane without a jacket, but I soon realize I should of worn one. Sarah looks at me and, seeing my coldness, giggles. She nestles her body against mine and tries to convince me that this will warm me up. We come behind the wall and sit down, me in the middle.  
"You're gonna catch cold if you don't wear a coat, Max! Geese, sometimes you're just stupid!" Then she puts my arm around her and snuggles even closer. I take a deep breath and notice Shane laughing a bit.  
"Max, my friend, one of these days she's going to latch herself on you and you won't be able to get her off that she will!"  
"Well, that would be the day." I say. Sarah gets up and points at Shane.  
"Shane's just jealous that he don't got no girlfriend." Sarah laughs but I tremble a bit. She said jealousy and so did he back in that shapeless room. What if he comes back? Now Shane stands up and points at her. I'm all-alone.  
"Nice shootin' Tex, but no I am not jealous." That word again. "I'm just looking out for my buddy Max that I am." It's as if he's controlling them. "No, you're jealous, I know you are." I close my eyes in pain and I start to feel dizzy. They just won't stop saying it. "I'm not jealous, you're jealous that you are!" I yell for them to stop but no sound comes out. "What would I be jealous about?" It's like I'm living a nightmare. My hands are in fists and I start to feel a trickle of blood start to flow from them. I close my eyes so hard that tears start to come out. I feel cold when I hear that word, that word that was a warning for me. Whenever I hear it, I hear him. "I don't know, you're just jealous!" My mind spins and I ask myself when I'll wake up from this nightmare. The blood from my fists drips on the ground and mix with my tears that are falling from my eyes. Everything goes white and then black and then a whole mix of colors. They blur together and I start to feel faint. I know that in any minute I'm going to crumple over and die, die like a scurvy dog! That word scares me more than I can imagine and, yet, they keep saying it. "That's pathetic! You're jealous and stupid!" They don't even notice me as I shatter into a million tiny pieces. I sit here and all I can think about are those bells, and his black, clouded figure. They haunt me. "Aye, it's not wise too call a believer stupid that it is not! But perhaps that is what you are jealous of you're jealous of my God that you are!" I manage to open one eye and just make out their shapes, but then my eyes close, my head steams and I fall into a place between life and death. I see black mix with white and pleasure mix with pain. Their voices fade out and I am lost in another world that's far away from life. I am in death once more.  
  
Max...Max...open you eyes, Max. I hear a familiar voice in the distance. It's soft and angelic, but sad. I can't seem to remember whose voice it is but I like it. I open my eyes and notice that I'm standing on water. Or, perhaps, it isn't water; perhaps it's tears. Do you see now Max?  
I move my head around and look in all directions.  
"Who...who are you? Where are you?" I ask.  
And then, I look up to the sky and see her. She slowly glides down onto the surface and stops. She's beautiful. She's wearing a long, white dress covered in light colored lines. Her long, brown hair sways in the light wind but her dress stays close to her body. She's tall and skinny with skin as smooth and fair as a fresh peach. Her blue eyes seem to hold the sky and her sweet smile provokes a sense of calm and ease. I remember her now. She's even prettier now than when I was younger, but she still has that inner beauty that few can claim. Naru, my beautiful sister. I step back a bit in awe and I tremble in shock. Tears start to form in my eyes and, when they hit the water, they start a gentle ripple that seems to slow down time.  
"N...Naru, is it really you?"  
Of course it is me, Max.  
"I'm dreaming."  
Yes, you are.  
"But I wish this were real."  
As do I, but it is not.  
"I missed you."  
And I you, Max. Death is a powerful enemy that, when experienced, hurts everyone. I was foolish in ending my own life and hurting you and I realize that now. The only problem, however, is that I cannot change what I have done, and you must live with the consequences.  
"Why did you kill yourself?" I ask in a choked up voice. The tears are streaming down my cheeks now.  
I guess I had exaggerated certain things and taken certain words out of context. I was to naïve then and I have learned my lesson.  
"Then, does that mean that you are dead, or...or living in another world?  
No, I am dead. I am dead in every world except one. I am alive and well in your mind. Whenever you need me, you have the power to see me. You can use the memory you have of me to duplicate me in your thoughts. This is the first time you have done it.  
"I don't understand."  
Basically, I am alive in your dreams. You can dream of me whenever you want, and you will find me.  
"And this place is all from my imagination as well?" I look around at the water and notice that it seems to be turning a tad bit darker.  
Yes, you are imagining this place as well.  
"I see." I look at her and try to smile but I can't conjure one up. "How long will all of this last?"  
That is the problem, dear brother. You must wake now; your friends are waiting.  
"But I don't want to wake up. I want to stay here with you, forever."  
I am sorry, Max, but you must wake up. You know you must. But do not be afraid for I will see you again, soon. Just remember me.  
"I will."  
Thank you, brother, and good-bye. She closes her eyes, smiles, and starts to glide slowly up into the sky. When she disappears my tears stop. I close my eyes and see black. When I open them again I see Shane and Sarah close to my face, tears in Sarah's eyes. When she sees that I'm alive she throws her arms around me in a tight embrace. Shane sits back and sighs. I sit there in Sarah's arms and look to the sky. Then I close my eyes and sigh quietly. When I look back to the sky I see something that I haven't seen for six years. Its warmth and light seems to lift the cloud of despair from my eyes and, for the first time, I feel free. It's up there, so high in the sky. I smile as it peaks around the dark clouds. It seems to represent a beacon of hope from this place. I close my eyes and chuckle a bit. It's good to see the sun. 


	5. chapter 5

"What happened today, Max? You scared me, I thought- I thought you were dead." "I don't know. I guess I was just scared." "Scared of what?" "Of myself." "What do you mean?" "My other half." "I don't understand." "I have two sides, my good half and my bad half. My bad half got hold of me today when I heard the word jealous. It's a problem that my mother and sister had, and now I have it." "Why jealous?" "Because my other side warned me about that it." "What did it say?" "I can't tell you." "Why not?" "Because if I did, it'd get a hold of you too, and I wouldn't be able to take that." "I still don't understand." "That may be a good thing, Sarah."  
  
A week later a new Master arrives on our block. Master Trevor Bjorn arrives on Saturday, October 4th 1985 to take over Master Randle Patrick's job. Randle is now second in command. It's on this day that my district gets split up. Only twelve people stay on my district: Jennifer Rosales, Natalie Gulbis, Kent Jones, J. L. Lewis, Tim Herron, Alexia Cejka, Justin Rose, Laura Flesch, Billy Andrade, Shane, Sarah and myself. Everyone else is transferred to the E district while we stay on the B district on the far west side of the main building. Master Trevor and Master Randle are the two Master's in charge and they have three minions: Peter Hulbert, Phillip Price and Nicholas Flanagan.  
Master Trevor is now in charge and calls everyone to a meeting in the recreation room. We all pull up seats and sit in a circle with the girls on the left and the boys on the right. Master Trevor and Master Randle sit in the front of the group. Trevor's got brown hair that's starting to bald on the top. He's got brown eyes and a couple of wrinkles on his brow. He's got just the slightest indication of a beard over his lip and when he smiles, it seems to disappear. He wears a pair of thin glasses that seem to small for him.  
"Welcome boys and girls. I am Master Trevor Bjorn. I will be in charge now with Master Patrick as my assistant. Do you all understand?"  
"Yes, Master Bjorn." We all say.  
"Good." He looks at the clock on the wall. "It is now two P.M. At this time, four times a week, we will meet like this for a group session. During this time, we will have therapy to help us come to terms with why we're here. Some of you have had problems with your temper, others with stealing, others with underage gambling and, as I understand, one with murder." I look around at the group and see everyone doing the same. No one knows who the murderer is. "We will all try to figure out how to deal with our problems by discussion because it has come to my attention that Master Patrick has used other methods to deal with your problems." Randle steals a quick glance at Trevor with pure disgust. "I am here to be a councilor, a helper and a friend to all of you." It seems to me that he's nice to us. He seems different than the other Master's, but I still don't trust him. "Now, let us begin our first session. We will start with Mr. Shane, um, well it seems there is no last name written down here. Shane, may I ask why?" Shane looks up from the floor and stares straight at Master Trevor.  
"I don't know. I've never had a last name that I haven't."  
"Oh, I see. Well why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself, Shane."  
Shane sighs and sags in his chair. He closes his eyes and smiles.  
"Well what do you want to know?"  
Master Trevor leans in a bit and smiles.  
"Tell us why you murdered your father."  
My jaw drops in shock and I see Sarah close her eyes and shake her head, to the left, then to the right. To think that Shane was a murderer! It seems hard to believe, but when I look at his face, I see his sorrow.  
"Haha, well I guess he had it comin that he did!"  
"What makes you say that?"  
"The way he acted around my mother, yeah, he was a real jerk."  
"Again, enlighten us."  
"He beat her!"  
"So you killed him?"  
"I didn't mean too! I found that gun and, I guess, well, I just missed!"  
"You missed?"  
"I was aiming for his shoulder, I didn't want him to be able to hurt her!"  
"Well, obviously that didn't work, right?"  
Shane's eyes get furious and his voice seems lower.  
"That's right, he strangled her the same night, that darn drunk!"  
"I see." Trevor leans back and takes a deep breath. He flips the papers on his clipboard and sighs. He pushes his glasses up with his middle and index fingers and then looks at Shane. "So then you were tried in court and sent to a Juvenal Hall down in Mississippi, your home state. How did that go?"  
"How do you think it went?"  
"Well, obviously not well because it says here that you ran away after two months. Then, you were found on the streets of New Hampshire and placed in the Orange Orphanage, thirty miles south of here, correct?"  
"Yeah, that's right."  
"But then they figured out that you had a criminal record just two weeks after you arrived."  
"And now I'm here." Shane finishes.  
Trevor smiles and pushes his glasses back up with the same two fingers.  
"I just have one more question, Shane."  
"What?"  
"Why turn to God?"  
"What does that have to do with anything?"  
"Just tell me. Why did you turn to God?"  
Shane smiles a bit and leans back again.  
"I guess I needed hope that I would be forgiven for what I had done. I feel like I have a purpose now. I feel like I'm worth something."  
"Well that may be all well and dandy in the outside world, but here there is no hope." He smiles sadistically and lowers the clipboard. "Face it, pal, if you're here, God don't want you."  
He leans back and chuckles. Randle does the same and the three assistants follow. The children around me look towards one another with frightened faces. I look at Shane but get no response. I look at Sarah and see the pain in her eyes. And then, as I look at the other children, I see tears. Their tears roll down their cheeks and trickle on the ground. I start to think that perhaps Trevor is right, God don't want us no more.  
  
The first thing we do when we get to go out for free time is look for Shane. Sarah and I go behind our wall, but he's not there. We look in the courtyard, but he's not there. We look near the outer fence, but he's nowhere to be found.  
"He couldn't be far, there's only a number of places he's allowed to be." I say.  
"Uh-huh." Sarah looks concerned which makes me curious. But then she starts running towards the courtyard again and I follow.  
It's only now that I really look at her as she runs with the wind slamming into her face. I watch those big, green eyes and am sad because their full of worry. I notice her body is a lot skinnier than when I first met her, but she's still as pretty as back then. Her once short, brunette hair is now flowing past her shoulders and whipping in the wind. I notice all of the children, particularly the boys, staring at her as she runs in awe of her beauty. I never really noticed her splendor and it seems to captivate me.  
When we get behind our wall again I feel a bit tired.  
"Sarah," I say, "Slow down!"  
She stops in mid stride and turns to me. Her hair is all over the place and it's covering most of her face.  
"I'm sure Shane just wants some space or something. I think we should leave him alone."  
"You think so?"  
"Yeah, I do. We should just let him have some space." And to that she frowns. "Why are you looking so hard to find him? I thought you'd be happy if he was gone."  
She looks at me a little perplexed.  
"Well, he is my friend."  
"But I thought you guys couldn't stand each other."  
"Oh come on, Max! That's just what friends do. We joke around with each other."  
She sits down against the wall and I follow. She lays her head on my shoulder and closes her eyes. I can hear her breathing start to slow down a bit and then it gets pretty quiet.  
"I'm sure he's all right." I say.  
"Yeah, I know."  
"Do you believe what Master Trevor said? You know, about Shane."  
"I don't want to believe it. I mean sure, I thought bout killin people before, but there's a difference between thinking it and actually doing it. It just doesn't seem like him."  
"But do you believe him?"  
"The scary thing is that I do, I do believe him. I feel by believin him, I'm betraying Shane."  
"But you're not! I believe it too, but I know I'm not betraying Shane. He's my friend as well, you know."  
She looks at her feet and rolls her eyes.  
"I know."  
"There's nothing we can do. If he's going to let his past haunt him then all we can do is be there if he needs us."  
"Sure." She says out of the corner of her mouth.  
And then it seems to hit me. Jealousy. I realize what he meant. A jealousy will overtake me and it will destroy her. It's Shane. I see it like the sun on a cloudless day, like a car on a clear street, like a brick wall in my path. It's jealousy. I can almost see it burning inside me and taking over. I try to fight it, but it's useless. I can't do anything against it because he controls me. He only has half of my mind, but that's enough. I can almost hear those bells and see his dark figure. I can almost see him holding those bells in one hand and holding jealousy in the other. I can almost see him smiling at my fear and laughing at my suffer. It's unbearable.  
I close my eyes and try to gather my thoughts, try to unite my brain. But he is too strong. His evil is spreading and polluting my mind. He seems to take control of my entire mind now and I can feel myself slipping. My face becomes contorted and my eyes shoot open. I feel my hands turn to fists and my muscles tense. I seem to lose control of all my senses and my breath stops short, but then it picks up, and stops short again. It's an endless cycle of pain, nothing but pain.  
I notice Sarah has got her eyes closed and seems to be asleep on my shoulder. I hear a slight rumble off in the distance and then I see a fantastic bolt of light and energy slam to the ground in the distance. The rain starts to fall and seems to act as a spark for him to make his move.  
He lifts our left hand into the air and opens our fingers. He moves them around and a smile forms on our face. We turn to Sarah, so angelic, and carefully remove her head from our shoulder. He smiles as we lay her head to the ground and then slowly lift our right hand. The rain feels so cold. He turns our body in her direction and slowly moves our hands to her throat. We move in a choking motion, as if he and I were battling for control. Our hands get close to her neck and the warmth from her body consumes them. It's a warmth that seems to wake me up from a sleepless slumber. The cold from the rain seems to pass me by and the warmth from her life seems to stimulate me with life of my own. I can fight him back now!  
I use my strength to pull my hands back but I meet resistance from his own terrifying strength. I hear the thunder roll around me and the lightning strikes the long, radio antennae on top of the complex. The sparks come flying down all over the courtyard and I hear children shouting and the Masters trying to retrieve order. The shiny sparks fly down around me and the fight becomes more intense. I use all my strength and I can almost feel victory. I can taste it; I can almost touch it. It's there, right in front of me! My eyes start to water and my mouth starts to bleed as I bite down on my tongue.  
And then, with the sparks flying around me and the children screaming in the courtyard. I see another jolt of light, but this one is different. This jolt seems to be right in front of me and it seems to ignite sounds of confusion in my ears. The struggle is unbearable now. The wind picks up and the drizzle of rain is now a blast of hail. The children are still screaming and I see Sarah looking at me in terror. I didn't realize that she was watching. But in that split second that I see her eyes, I see a new reason to fight. Jealousy seems to exit my mind. In that split second, when the thunder rolls, I scream to the heavens and to any God that will hear me. I scream in the name of love and in the name of humanity. I scream with all my power and all my might. I scream not just for Sarah's life, but also for mine. I scream for freedom. And the thunder seems to scream with me. But I don't scream words; it's more like the sound of thunder. I can't find a distinction between my scream and the thunders scream. They both become acquiescent and they become locked in a fierce battle to be louder.  
And as my scream comes to its end and the thunder stops to roll, I feel victorious. My arms fall and my body stumbles to the ground. My breathing is intense and I'm sweating profusely. My eyes lock closed and the breathing gets louder. It gets too loud and to intense and right when I feel like I've reached the end, it stops. It all stops. Everything stops. It's not just my breathing; it's everything. Time stops, feeling stops, thinking stops, life stops. I feel as if I'm in a cloud of nothing, not even air. It's an endless continuum of nothing, it's a vacuum of nothing, and it's a world of nothing.  
I start to think that perhaps I've died. Perhaps I have come to the end of the life that I wished would end. But strangely, I feel sad. I feel as if I had no reason to leave. It's almost as if I had a purpose. But then I see a flicker of light. It starts off as a small flicker of movement, but then it gets bigger. It's black and yet it's a different black than the place around me. There's a strict distinction between the two blacks, almost as if they were two different colors. But my curiosity soon turns to horror when I realize what it is. Because right then the silence is broken. I hear his menacing laugh that mocks me for no reason. I hear his faint breathing and it scares me. But then, I hear them. They erupt in my ears and I feel that tingle down my back.  
  
GONG  
  
I see his head lift up and his piercing eyes gaze at my soul. He seems to look straight through me and burn with a chalice of victory, of strength. He moves his gruesome, disfigured arms up to his head and removes the hood covering his face. When his arms drop back into his lap the black in the room fades and all is white. He's sitting there, cross-legged and black as the midnight sky. I look on his true face for the first time, because the other times that hood hid it.  
But now I see his evil face, scared with hatred and iniquity. His eyes are thin and pale white with no pupils. His hair is thin on top but his bangs drupe over his forehead and stop near his eyes. His nose is thin and long just like his face. And I shiver when I look at his toothless mouth. He sees me staring and quickly licks his lips tauntingly.  
He raises his arm to offer me a seat near him but I refuse. He talks so slow.  
No need to be rude my friend. Please, take a seat here.  
No!  
Then I guess you will stand.  
What do you want this time?  
What do I want?  
Yes, what do you want?  
Such a question cannot and will not be answered, my friend. The wants off humans are so complicated and so improbable that to try and explain all of them would be foolish. Humans are a sad race of people. Humans kill their brother, they kill their neighbor, yet, those who kill always have the pity of others. Humans think they are in charge of everything and even God himself cannot get in their way. Humans are the lowest level of dirt there can be. I am ashamed to be human.  
But you're not human!  
Are you sure about that? Perhaps I am not human, perhaps I am something else. But I think the question is, what am I? Would you like to know what I am?  
Send me back! I want to go back now!  
I am neither dead nor living. I am neither human nor beast. I am neither good nor evil. I am neither you nor me.  
GONG  
Send me back!  
I am neither the creator nor the created.  
GONG  
Stop with your games!  
I am neither an angel nor a demon.  
GONG  
Stop it!  
I am neither rain nor snow.  
GONG  
I've had enough!  
I am neither sun nor moon.  
GONG  
Get away from me!  
I am neither friend nor foe.  
GONG  
Leave me be!  
I am neither master nor slave.  
GONG  
Get out of my head!  
You are neither loved nor cared for.  
GONG  
  
You are dead to all...  
  
The rain is so cold. I feel the cold tears of the sky slam against my face and mix with my own tears. The rain doesn't stop; it just keeps coming. Ever since that day that the lightning struck it has been raining. That was two months ago and it's still raining. I remember it used to snow but that seems like ages ago. It used to snow so hard but never stick. But it was the snow that everyone hates because it was so cold. I remember that snow so well, but now it's rain. It isn't as cold anymore but it's still cold enough to freeze your bones. That rain seems to seek out the cold and invite it down to earth, before it falls. And even though it isn't as cold anymore, the Masters are still cold. And I am still cold. But the rain continues to fall and even if we don't want to, we keep on living. Because in this place there's nothing else to do, except live. I remember a time when I wanted to live, so long ago. But now I feel as if living is to hard. Even if I have others by my side to support me, I feel as if dying would be the only way out. In my life I have seen to much death but I could handle one more; my own. I think that in everyone's life they experience things that make them want to die but they keep on living. In my case, however, the time to live is over. I feel as if living would just add to the hurt that I feel. But there are other times when I am glad that I am living. There are people that I still love and people that I want to be with. But that's another problem with this cloudy world that I live in. I am not allowed to be with whom I want. I am forced to live a life of exile, even if she loves me back. The Masters control me and there's nothing I can do about it. But the moment that I saw her, I knew that she shined. She shined above anyone that I had ever seen before, even Naru. But even then I would have never imagined that I would come this far with her. We have come so far, but I feel that our time is ending. Whether it ends at the hands of the Masters or of my own I feel that glory is fleeting. Whatever happiness we had in this terrible place will soon be gone. I can see it. It's always so cold here. The sun never shines and the cold never lifts. Sometimes I dream that I lived in a different world. Sometimes I dream that I was someone else, someone of importance. But mostly I dream that I didn't live in this place. It's the only place we have and it keeps us alive, but sometimes I think that this is the worst place in the world; it's just horrible here. 


End file.
